Sitting Still for the First Time

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I just got back from a week in Texas. And before you jump down my throat about the cost, my dad financed the trip in its entirety, including my attendance at my 30th high school reunion.

Addie ready to leave for our 10 day, 2,300 mile road trip to Texas

It was a much needed experience. The high school reunion was healing in so many ways. Visiting my family and seeing my son getting settled were stress relieving. And, finally, the time in my head and connecting with old people gave me lots of new perspectives.

Ready for my high school reunion

I think the highlight of trip for me was some advice from a friend I hadn’t seen or heard from in 25 years. It was something like this…

“Hope, as long as I’ve known you, you’ve been running from something or to something. You see something you want and you go get it, you see a person in need and you go take care of them, and you ran as fast and as far as you could from the trauma of your youth. Maybe it’s time to sit still and see what comes knocking on your door.”

As I was driving home this past weekend, I realized that after this coming week, for the first time maybe ever, I have no plans. No trips, no big goals, no plans, no purpose…just a straight road with an unknown future. It is very scary.

Getting to see my mom again is always worth the trip back to Texas

Even when I was married, I was always looking for an escape. With the kids, I was always looking for the next adventure. And for the past year, since heartbreak and the break in my confidence…I have been searching and seeking for what’s next. All the running, all the planning, all the expense that comes with that, is heavy.

So maybe it is time for me to sit still. And to see what comes knocking on my door.

And today as I write this after my first day back at work. I am finding peace in the idea of sitting still and waiting.

Side notes

For those new here, my mom was put on hospice a year ago and I was encouraged to get there quickly to say good bye. Getting to see her alive a year later is not something I take for granted. This visit I got to give my siblings/dad a break from 24 hour care-taking, give my mom a haircut, and say good bye again.
If you are an introvert like me, it takes ALOT to convince yourself to go to something like a high school reunion, especially when it starts at a bar and you can’t hear to begin with. This is your sign to go. Just go.
High school was TERRIBLE for me. It was so bad that I spent a month in a mental hospital after a suicide attempt my freshmen year, and then almost dropped out my senior year. This reunion and reconnecting from people from my past helped heal some trauma that I didn’t recognize I had been carrying around for 30 years.

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